THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

Who loves drama? We all love drama! One of the aspects of being human is that we have emotions and those emotions guide and direct us throughout our lives in all the decisions we make in every moment. We all like to believe that we make rational decisions with careful thought and consideration, which, of course, from time to time we do. But all of our decisions in every moment pass through our emotional centers first as they make their way to the rational and logical portions of our brains. Any rational decisions or choices we might make will either be in agreement with our emotions on that subject, or in direct opposition and require an overriding of our emotions on that subject. If a potential choice is in opposition to what our emotions are telling us, we have to consciously override our emotions to make some kind of rational or logical choice. 

For most of us, how we learned to make decisions and choice preferences was developed over the first 10 or so years of our lives, and we learned how to make those choices and decisions based primarily on the environment we grew up in and the primary authority figures in our lives. We initially learn through observation, trial and error, and our innate instinct to survive. Fortunately or unfortunately, what we also get from those same educational inputs, as well as from our family dynamics and the sometimes not so subtle interplay between the primary characters in our own personal stories is what we could very easily call a script. The script says who we are, what role we play in this drama we call life, how we interact with the other characters in our story, and how well our story plays out. We learn to behave in ways that enable our particular scripts and the roles we play. We end up acting out our roles and the scripts we learned based on the characters and roles the other members of our cast play which are, in essence, our family members.

To give you an example of what I’m talking about, if you grew up with an abusive alcoholic parent or family member, you may have learned how to be what’s called a people pleaser. You may have learned that it’s best to fly under the radar so as not to be called out by the abuser. You may have learned that it’s best not to make waves, just make people happy and do what they ask regardless of your own personal needs. Maybe you learned how to remain small in an effort to sort of hide from the drama that was frequent in your household when that person was drinking. This is just one example, and probably on the more extreme side of the drama spectrum, but I know there are many people who can relate to this kind of scenario. My point in using it is that our behaviors and roles are shaped initially by those early experiences. We learn how to play one of three primary roles through these experiences, that of the rescuer, the persecutor, and/or the victim. These three roles make up what is often referred to as the ‘Drama Triangle’. 

The drama triangle is a great visual representation of what goes on on a daily basis within a variety of dynamics, from family to business. In fact, every character on the drama triangle can also be exhibited with each and every one of us depending on the other humans we’re interacting with in any given situation. Sometimes we play the victim to somebody else being the persecutor. Sometimes we’re the persecutor to somebody else playing the victim. Sometimes we swoop in to be the rescuer of the victim being persecuted by somebody else. Drama is created when characters in the story take on different roles in relation to each other. I’m sure if you stop and give it some thought you’ll be able to identify times when you fall into the role of victim to somebody else being the persecutor. Sometimes you’re the persecutor judging somebody else and making them the victim. Sometimes you fall into that rescuer role to save somebody else, the victim, from being persecuted. We all do it, nobody is immune. At least not until we become aware of the drama triangle and learn techniques for stepping out of those roles, which is what the next episode will be all about. 

In this episode, I’m going to outline what the Drama Triangle is, what each of the characters, or roles, make up each point on the triangle, so as to help you identify where the story might be playing out in your own life, and most likely your business as well. 

Imagine an upside down triangle balancing on what would normally be an upper single point. At the bottom of the triangle is the victim. Victims consider themselves weak and unfairly abused and persecuted by others. They are typically glass half empty individuals who have an external locus of control, which means they see life as happening to them, not through them. They tend not to believe they have any control over what happens to them and they tend to see everything that happens to them as a negative, and the result of the bad luck they were simply strapped with in this life. They feel sorry for themselves and they have an expectation that others will as well. Sometimes they like to act to the world like they’re really taking control of their life, and they’ll let you know at every opportunity. They’re like crossfitters and vegans in that regard. However, the victim tends to not take responsibility for any of their life’s misfortunes or missteps, even if they were completely their own fault. It’s always somebody or something else’s fault. Remember, they’re the victim. The victim has an insatiable need for help. They will subconsciously and consciously manufacture events in order to get sympathy and help from others. 

One of the characteristics of the victim role is that they tell themselves ‘deficiency stories’, which are scripts and tapes that play in their head reminding them how small, weak, and inferior they are. They tell themselves and everybody else how hard life is and, when people take the bait, the victim role is validated and the script plays out. The victim has a sense of entitlement in that everyone owes them something. They see their accomplishments and contributions, if anything, as much bigger than they really are. They believe the world, and everybody in it, simply has an inability to see how important they are and how much they contribute to the world and so the world sucks. We just don’t understand their plight and the difficult journey they’ve had. They live in a world of confirmation bias, which is to say that they only see the messages and info that confirms for them that life sucks, the world is lacking, there’s not enough to go around, and they are a victim of their circumstances. The ironic thing about the victim is that the help they really need is not the help they want. You can offer it, you can give them a leg up, you can do everything in your power to help them out of their situation but, in reality, you are likely only angering them internally. For the rescuer to come in and lift them out of their situation, they’d have to start playing a different role, which they’re typically not capable, nor equipped, to do. Anybody helping them just negates their victim script. In the Drama Triangle, the victim plays their role, the rescuer steps in to help, and when they fail to lift the victim out of their circumstance, the victim feels justified in their anger towards you and they now fall into the persecutor role. 

Here’s the thing to know about the victim role; victims strongly resonate with other victims. It’s a ‘birds of a feather’ situation with them, just as it is with every energy and personality type. Doers resonate with other doers. Winners resonate with winners and want to be around people that push them to be even better. Victims like to hang out with other victims who will constantly validate that victim script. On the drama triangle, victims will move in and out of the roles of rescuer and persecutor with frequency. They like to play the role of rescuer with other victims, and then persecutor when things don’t work out for them. They go into blaming mode and persecute all those who tried to help them. Be very careful of these people, friends! You may be the kind of person who likes to rescue people and you will spend an inordinate amount of your time and life energy trying to save people who don’t want to be saved. 

Being a teacher and a coach, I’ve found myself playing the rescuer role many times, and always to great disappointment. I like to think I can help people beyond themselves and their sometimes limited thinking and situations. I have to think and believe that way in order to bring that kind of energy to others. The downside is that you can get sucked into relationships that will ultimately suck your time and energy, with the potential to leave you a bit jaded and feeling like a victim. It’s important to learn how to suss out that victim mentality and personality as quickly as possible, lest you give away some valuable part of yourself that you’ll never get back. 

So, let’s talk about the rescuer! Just as the name implies, the rescuer likes to be the one to solve problems, fix things, and help when and where they can. For the rescuer, there is a very real psychological and emotional reward when they can step and fix things or help people. Obviously, it’s better to be a helper and a fixer than a victim, but the thing about all these roles is that they get activated by somebody else playing the role they love to play. For the rescuer, they tend to be attracted to victims for that reason. The victim does their thing, the script is activated, and the rescuer swoops in. As a result, they tend to seek out victims and are always on the search for somebody to rescue. The thing that is often missed when the rescuer is playing out their script is that their rescuing is more often than not an enabling act. When they’re doing what makes them feel the best, rescuing people, they’re also enabling the victim to remain in victim mode. We’re going to talk in the next episode how to get out of all of these roles through the empowerment  dynamic, but for now, this is all just to bring some awareness to how the drama triangle plays out and where you might see yourself playing out scripts in any of these roles. They go on in life and in business and can be quite destructive. 

As I noted earlier when talking about the interplay between victim and rescuer, quite often when the rescuer fails to save the victim, the victim starts playing out their new role as persecutor and starts blaming the rescuer for failing. What’s the persecutor role? Persecutors see themselves standing for truth, justice, and fairness. They see themselves as the upholders of ideals, values, and convictions, but typically only the ones they’re loosely committed to. You’ll know the persecutor from their judgment. They are extremely judgmental of others and their failure to live up to the persecutor’s ideals. The interesting thing about the persecutor role in the drama triangle is that they tend to turn people into victims based on their behavior and the inability of people to live up to their ideals. Here’s the thing about persecutors, they tend to exhibit bully type behavior, and they do it as a way to feel safe. Underneath the surface, persecutors believe they’re unsafe and they have an intense fear of becoming a victim themself so they make others the victim. This keeps them in a superior position. They feel a strong need to control others by upholding and defending their ideals and standards. For that personality type and role in the drama triangle, it creates certainty and stability through judgment. The persecutor prefers to lay blame and judgment instead of really helping, which would be the job of the rescuer. In the drama triangle, the presence of the persecutor will activate the roles of both the victim and the rescuer who steps in to save the victim. 

So, here’s the big question: after learning about the drama triangle and the three primary roles that create the drama, where can you see yourself on that upside down triangle, and in what situations and with whom? Remember, none of us is immune from being part of the triangle in all situations. As good or aware as we might be, we all fall into certain roles in certain situations and with certain people. When it’s the same people over and over triggering certain scripts within us, we call that codependency. Each person is kinda needed to play out those scripts until somebody changes the drama, either by withdrawing from it completely and refusing to play, or by entering the empowerment dynamic, which we’ll go into depth in the next episode. To give you a sneak peek, the empowerment dynamic entails becoming a creator, a coach, or a challenger instead of a victim, persecutor, or rescuer. 

As you go into the week, ask yourself what scripts you see playing out with different people, both in life and business. There are likely times when you’re the rescuer, times when you are the persecutor, and times when you play the victim. Even though this framework is called the drama triangle, I’ve come to see it more like an infinity symbol. If you’re not familiar with what that looks like, it’s essentially a number 8 turned on it’s side. On any given day and with any number of players in our lives, we cycle through this infinity loop of scripts based on the relationship we have with that person. Until we become aware of it and learn some new tools for dealing with the script and resulting behavior patterns, we stay in the loop and somewhere on the triangle. When you’re in the loop or on the triangle, you’re in drama and drama has an immense cost. When you’re stuck in the drama loop you simply can’t be focused on the things that propel us forward in life and business. 

Whaddya say we come back here next week, same time, same place and chat about some ways to eliminate the drama? Sound good? Until next week, my friends, I’m out…