The Hidden Mechanics of Giving

I want to challenge something most people believe without ever questioning it. It's a very short story with three basic steps. The steps sound like this: work hard, accumulate and save, then protect it until you need it, which usually means once you've passed your prime physical years and on the decline into old age. Of course, once you're successful enough, you can give back…maybe.

That story sounds like the responsible thing to do and it also sounds magnanimous. Work hard, make some money, acquire some stuff, and then, when I'm rich, I'll give to charities and people, and maybe they'll write some articles about me.

There are two big problems with this story. The first problem is that you're never going to be objectively rich enough to feel like you can give your money away (sorry folks, the odds are simply not in your favor), and the second problem is that way of thinking is backwards.

In my own life and experience, and in the lives of nearly every truly wealthy person I know, generosity did not come after wealth. It came long before it, and it wasn’t generosity for applause or tax write offs or moral and virtue signaling. I am talking about quiet, uncomfortable, no expectation giving and why most people have it all wrong.

Today I want to break down why giving is not just a moral act. It is also a strategic one. Why it rewires how you think, how you make decisions, how you see the world, and why learning to give cleanly and generously might be one of the fastest ways to escape scarcity thinking and actually become wealthy, regardless of your income.

Any discussion about wealth, income, and giving must first discuss the two ends of that spectrum. On one end of the spectrum is lack, scarcity, and not enough to go around; and on the other end of the spectrum is 'more than enough for everyone', abundance, and the opposite of scarcity. Scarcity has very little to do with how much money you have, by the way.

I have met broke people with calm nervous systems who would give you their last dollar and I know very wealthy people who have everything one could imagine and are terrified of losing it all. Scarcity and lack is psychological as well as spiritual. It shows up in how tightly you hold onto things, how defensive your decisions are, how long you hesitate before acting, and how transactional your relationships are.

Fear is expensive. It makes you delay; it makes you overanalyze, and it makes you hoard instead of creating and multiplying. By the way, this is a simple math equation taught in the first grade: you can't multiply something if you hoard it and hold onto it.

What the giving mindset does is it interrupts that hoarding pattern immediately. When you give before you feel ready or before you believe you have enough, your psyche has to reconcile that act. You are telling yourself, at a subconscious level, that you are not in danger, that you have enough, and, maybe most important, that more is on the way. That message matters more than any motivational quote or mindset exercise.

Let's talk first about how most people give so that we can set the stage for what the right way looks and feels like. Most people give poorly. They give from their leftovers. They give emotionally instead of intentionally, which, on the surface sounds reasonable since giving emotionally seems like a normal thing to do. Most give hoping for appreciation, loyalty, or some kind of behavior change.

Giving this way is not generosity, it is control masquerading as kindness and it is narcissism wrapped in gift paper. Real giving, the way we're discussing today, reinforces strength instead of rescuing weakness and it activates something that is actually just the other half of the natural flow of wealth creation. This distinction matters much more than people realize.

You see, real wealth creation and accumulation can and should be thought of as a circle with many spokes, instead of a one-sided act that speaks only about the receiver's bank account and balance sheet. Wealth comes in a multitude of forms, not just money and assets. There's time wealth, relationship wealth, health wealth, financial wealth, social wealth, and spiritual wealth. Most people over index on the financial aspect and often at the expense of all the other forms of wealth.

That statement is one I want you to imprint in your brain because what most people miss when it comes to giving is that you often can't accumulate any of those things to the degree you'd like to UNTIL you become a giver. What most people get completely backwards is that giving doesn’t start once you have enough, it's often the very thing that will guarantee that you have more than enough.

Let me say it again for the people who misheard me and for those in the cheap seats: if you want to have more than enough in every area of the wealth circle, you have to become a selfless giver long before all of those things show up and so that they will show up.

Money is referred to as currency for a reason. It's called currency because it is part of a current or flow. Some goes out, some comes back. For something to flow out, something must flow back in lest the current stop. Most people stop the current in two ways: being a poor giver and/or a poor receiver. The same concept can be applied to all of the other spokes on the wealth wheel.

For good health wealth to be the norm, there must be a good current or flow. Good resources in, good energy out. Wherever the current gets stuck is where 'dis-ease' occurs. For good social wealth to be the norm, there must be a constant current and flow. It's just one of the reasons so many appraisers have so little social capital and wealth. They want everyone else to reach out to them and share their own wealth in the form of orders and referrals without ever having to give of themselves socially.

If you want to be time wealthy, not only must you be a good steward of your own time, you must be willing to share it with others with no expectation of return. If you want to be wealthy in your relationships, you must first have a good healthy relationship with yourself and then be willing to give to the those you want to be in relationship with. For many, all of those things are one sided.

Since so many of you get stuck on the money part whenever I talk about giving, I want to give you some things to think about so that you can not only understand the act and art of giving, but also start to wake up to the multitude of ways that giving can and should be exercised to activate the universal laws governing giving.

While I am a big fan of giving of your financial resources at every opportunity, I also recognize that the universal laws of giving don’t discriminate. Giving is giving and all giving, assuming it's done with the right mindset and spirit, activates the law which, by the way, always comes with an exponential return, albeit anywhere on the wheel, so to speak, and not necessarily in the same form it was given.

This is where most people get stuck. They give their money with the expectation that they'll get more money in return. No, friends, that’s called a transaction, a bet, or an investment. That's not giving. Giving is where you give whatever you have believing the gift to be an activation and continuation of the current, as well as a blessing to the receiver even if the receiver doesn’t see it that way. You give it away with joy in your heart and then let it go never expecting it to return to you in that same form.

Real giving is done with no expectation of return, although with complete faith that the current will come back multiplied and on its own schedule, even if not in the same form it was given. In essence, you give and then let go. You don’t stand around at the proverbial window looking both ways for the Brinks truck to pull up and bring you your return check. You give with no expectation of return as a recognition that you had it to give, which is a confirmation that you are richer than you often believe, and it's also a recognition that by doing so, you are keeping the flow going and the universe always rewards the giver. Not because of your benevolence, but because to those that demonstrate they understand the current, more will be given to expand the flow.

I'm going to lay out for you five different categories of giving so that you can, not only see that money isn’t the only gift one can give, but also the many varied ways you are able to activate the law of giving and maybe some creative ways that you would never have considered prior to hearing them.

The five categories of giving we'll be talking about are:

1.Resource giving

2.Time and Presence giving

3.Capability giving

4.Access and Leverage giving

5.Structural giving

Let's start with resource giving since it’s the most recognized and most common form people think of. Resource giving is just as it sounds, giving of your resources in some way as a way to reduce the friction in someone else's life. While most people will think of tithing in a religious way, or giving someone cash, sometimes the most powerful gift is paying for acceleration and momentum for someone else. This could come in the form of covering a certification, paying for a course or a license, buying someone else a tool that may give them a leg up. This is not education for its own sake, but education that removes friction and unlocks a future for someone else.

Resource giving comes in the form of erasing a small debt or a chronic burden for someone. A utility bill, a parking ticket, or a medical copay. These are not big and dramatic problems, but they can drain the mental, emotional, and spiritual energy every single day for the receiver of your gift.

Resource giving looks like funding a first step for someone. Maybe it's the first piece of equipment they need to start a new career. It could be the first software subscription they need or the first inventory order. You don’t have to fund the whole business, just the step that makes quitting harder than continuing.

Resource giving sometimes looks like 'sponsoring time'. Paying for childcare so someone can attend an interview is a form of time sponsorship. Covering travel so someone can show up for opportunity. Time is the rarest asset of all, yet most think it's money.

Sometimes resource giving comes in the form of paying for invisibles. Investing in therapy for somebody. Maybe paying for their coaching or personal training for them to get back in shape and recover their health. Giving can come in the form of nutrition support since these are often the expenses people cut first in tough times yet need the most.

One of the ways someone gave to me when I was young was in the form of a silent and anonymous scholarship. No application was required. No essay demanded, and there was no announcement for publicity. Quiet, anonymous, but massively impactful. One person. One year. One focus. Done.

Those are forms of resource giving and, quite obviously, those all require money in some way, and I said earlier that you don’t always have to give your financial resources. So, let's talk about some of the other ways you can give that don’t require a direct infusion of your financial resources.

The second category I mentioned is time and presence giving. One of the greatest gifts you can ever give another human is often your time, your presence, and your attention. Put the phone down, look someone in the eye, listen without trying to fix everything, stop interrupting or waiting to talk. Most people are starved for this. It doesn’t require you to get your wallet out, but it does require you to put your ego aside. How about just checking in once a week with someone who might be struggling? What about showing up physically for court dates, funerals, doctor appointments, school events, or job interviews? Your physical and emotional presence communicates value more than words.

Giving of your time is one of the greatest ways to activate the law of giving, especially if you aren’t quite to the point of feeling like you have additional financial resources to give just yet. The purpose of this form of giving is to communicate value and personal worth through your presence and attention.

Another way of giving outside of financially is the third form of giving, which is called capability giving. This is where you are sharing some of your own growth and abilities with someone else to help accelerate their own growth in some way. Sharing of your wisdom and clarity would be an easy example.

Again, giving does not have to come in the form of a cash gift or getting your checkbook out. It often comes in the form of carefully worded advice that saves someone time, steers them away from making a mistake, or sets them on the path of earning for their own benefit.

Giving your honest perspective is a form of capability giving. Telling someone the truth they may already feel but are afraid to name and doing so respectfully but directly can be a life changing gift. I've experienced this many times as a coach where I might be the only one to tell someone the honest and often brutal truth since I have no fear of the person cutting me off like a close friend or family member might.

Another form of capability giving that is often overlooked is the gift of giving others new skills by simply teaching what you know. Explaining something in a clear manner and doing it patiently without making someone feel small is a form of giving. It's one of the reasons I give so many office talks and teach so many classes in my area and never charge for them. I consider them a form of tithing and speaking into other people so that they might have more skill and opportunity to be better at what they do.

Let's talk about the amazing gift of giving someone belief and confidence. Sometimes I refer to this as borrowed belief because it means believing in someone when they cannot yet believe in themselves, yet without rescuing them. You see something that they have yet to see in themselves, but your vision for them is exactly what they need to do or what they may never have the confidence to do on their own. It's one of the greatest forms of giving there is and it costs the giver nothing. This is capability giving.

The fourth form of giving is what I call access and leverage giving. A great example of this is what IU refer to as reputation sharing. One thoughtful introduction can change someone’s career or life trajectory. You may know someone that somebody else would love to be introduced to. Take the opportunity and initiative to reach out and say, "hey, would you have any interest in being introduced to so and so? I think you'd really hit it off with them."

Sometimes we call this 'creating a seat at the table' and it’s a form of giving beyond the financial. You can invite someone into rooms they would not normally enter or be invited to. I can't tell you how many times I was invited into rooms and to sit at tables I wasn’t initially qualified for and would never have been invited to except for the generosity of someone thoughtful enough to think of me. Many of the people at those tables are now good friends or clients.

A form of giving in the access and leverage realm is sharing platforms. I can easily point to my good friend and colleague, the Appraiser Coach, Dustin Harris. Many years ago, I got a call from the organizers of the Valuation Expo to come and speak and teach some classes there and it was all because Dustin had given them my name. He and I had spoken before, but we weren’t yet the friends we are today, but he was willing to put his reputation and good name on the line to share his platform with me and solely for my benefit, not his. He put in a word for me to speak, teach, and contribute where his respected voice already had trust. When you’re willing to share your platform in that way, not only does it show the world your confidence in your own abilities, it sends a message to the Universe to open more platforms for the giver.

Before we talk about the fifth form of giving, let me gift something into your life that may seem counterintuitive as it pertains to free versus paid when it comes to sharing your knowledge and insights. This little bit of gold that I'm going to speak into your life could be the difference between success and failure over the next few years.

There are times when what you give to others is completely free because you understand the immense value and other worldly power of giving. In a sense, it may be more beneficial to you, the giver, than to the receiver, even though the gift is meant for the receiver. However, free gifts are often perceived as low value precisely because they are free. In that sense, your act of giving may fall short of the intended result, but since the intention is to give with no expectation, your job is done. What the receiver does with the gift is between the receiver and the universe.

Then there are times where the real gift you give someone is by charging for the gift. Whether it's your appraisal services, your real estate services, your mortgage expertise, your coaching and teaching services, or your martial arts experience, the fee you charge is not buying your time or your knowledge, your fee is buying their attention. Let me explain because this is very advanced.

Money is a mirror that forces people to get clarity around their own beliefs. When you charge someone for what you offer, especially when you’re the highest priced person offering that product or service, you are forcing the buyer to examine their own beliefs around money and value. In a sense, you are teaching them something without them even knowing you’re teaching them because they are forced to question whether they believe in lack or whether they believe in abundance. P

If their fundamental belief is rooted in lack, a high price will force clarity, and they'll see the money they must spend as a loss for them. If, instead, the forced clarity that comes with higher pricing forces them to justify in their own mind why your price is the best value, you've taught them how to see your price as an investment in themselves instead of a loss and merely a sunk cost.

What you've inadvertently taught them is how to do the same in their own life and business. Premium pricing forces buyers to ask better questions. Premium prices force people to sell themselves on why they are either worth the price or not. It becomes self-filtering because fewer people will buy, but this isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.

When you charge for what you offer, especially if you charge a premium, you are forcing the buyer to be more decisive, more committed, and more likely to implement and get results. You are charging a premium for the future transformation they will get by being committed.

Conversely, when it's always free or very low cost, the receiver or buyer will always perceive the value as cheap and/or worth very little. It is the reason I charge for my coaching programs, and I make no secret or apologies for it. I started many years ago by coaching people for free. It took me a while to realize a few things:

1.I was coaching for free because I hadn’t sold myself yet that what I was teaching was of real value.

2.If the person didn’t get any results, I could always just tell myself, "well, it was free so, they can't complain"

3.I didn’t realize that by doing it for free, they had nothing invested in their own growth. They had zero commitment to taking any action. And it was actually my fault they had no transformation even though the information was potentially worth millions.

They simply didn’t take the work seriously because it was costing them nothing. When people pay, they listen. When you charge, you’re buying their attention. They listen differently and they expect to rise to the level of their investment.

I charge for my coaching programs, not just because what I'm teaching could literally make you millions of dollars, but because If I don’t charge for those programs, you’re guaranteed to never take any action. If you don’t pay, you won't take action and by me undercharging or offering it for free, I'm actually doing my members a disservice. I would also be teaching you through my actions how to devalue your own services.

Here’s the takeaway: there are times to offer your knowledge, wisdom and experience as an act of giving. If it's an intentional act of giving, give freely and hold nothing back. Give with no expectation of return. There are also times where the opposite is required of you. You recognize that your act of giving may have the opposite effect in that the receiver of your gift will do nothing with it because it was free. So, you charge and you charge a premium knowing that by doing so you will force them into taking action that will get them the results they need.

Fair warning: be careful with this one! It takes an advanced level of understanding and discernment to know when one path is required over the other. When it comes to your business and to simple pricing for your services, never listen to people who say, 'charge what you're worth!' This usually comes from appraisers pissed off that someone else in their market is charging less, but they don’t know how to combat it by seeking better clients and offering more value. They're telling you to charge what you’re worth because they want an easier way to overcharge based on their own value.

If 'charge what you're worth' was the rule, many of you would be sued for price gouging because you’re grossly overpriced for what you offer and the service level you deliver. You've adopted a premium pricing strategy without actually believing you’re worth it or providing a commensurate level of value. The premium pricing strategy is a mindset first, a behavior second, and a long-term commitment to backing up your service. Don’t ever tell somebody to charge what they're worth simply because you think having a license has earned them that right, it hasn’t.

If you want somebody to charge what they're worth, you don’t do it by just screaming that phrase at them. You have to help them first understand what that actually means, then how to actually believe in themselves, then how to add so much value that they can start to raise their prices, then how to believe they're worth that much more, then add more value, and so on. It's a long-term layering strategy of education, belief modification, action in the marketplace, more belief modification, more action, and so on. By the way, what a great way to give of yourself in the service of someone else's future.

The fifth form of giving I mentioned at the beginning is what I call structural giving. This is the kind of giving that has the ability to change someone's trajectory by steering them in a direction they weren’t going on their own, maybe altering their environment in some way to make it more conducive to success, and creating some stability and, more importantly, momentum for somebody.

This could come in the form of backing someone's comeback or recovery. People rebuilding after divorce, recovering after health issues, addiction recovery, or bankruptcy. This kind of support changes lives.

My own life and trajectory were affected the most by this very form of giving. Although there were several pivotal moments I can look back on where someone gave me something that altered my trajectory, some involved financial resources, some didn’t. My very own appraisal career is a perfect example in that my mentor brought me into his business and gave me a seat at some of his tables long before I was ready. That’s a form of structural giving.

Having someone deliberately alter your environment in a way that changes the trajectory of your future for the better is something most of you have the power to do. Hiring someone before they're ready because you see something worth investing in is a form of giving. Backing someone's comeback or revival, and helping to create the necessary stability, consistency, and momentum that allows somebody an identity change is a powerful form of giving.

Friends, here is the philosophy that makes all of this effective. Give before you feel ready. Giving is not an event, it's an identity. It's not episodic, it’s not the leftovers, and it's not seasonal. Waiting for security or more resources will keep you stuck forever. Give where it actually hurts. If there is no pause, no hesitation, no internal negotiation, it probably doesn't matter enough. Recognize the difference between random and targeted giving. Random generosity feels good while targeted generosity changes outcomes.

Detach completely from outcome and expect no gratitude in return. No follow up. No checking to see if it worked. Expectation poisons generosity and changes the energy around the gift. Expectation keeps you energetically tied to the money. Give and then let it go to do its thing.

Make giving part of your identity. Instead of giving from the leftovers, give as part of your overall lifestyle and business plan. People who give consistently as part of their identity don’t think in terms of lack or protection, they think in terms of circulation and flow. If you want it to flow back to you in some way, it must be sent out first.

Let's wrap this one up with a few challenges.

The first challenge is called the silent giver challenge. Give three meaningful gifts this year that no one ever knows came from you. And tell no one. Ever. It's your secret forever.

The second challenge is finding your discomfort threshold. Give an amount that makes you pause and swallow hard. If there is no pause, increase it. Your threshold will show you where your beliefs around scarcity live. If you're about to give and suddenly have the thought, "what if I never make this back?", that's where the personal work needs to be done.

The third challenge is a leverage challenge. Instead of money, learn to give access, insight, time, knowledge, or opportunity. One introduction can outperform ten personal checks. The more you do it, the more you'll see opportunities to do it. Giving is a muscle that needs to be worked regularly.

The fourth challenge is the 365 Challenge. Pick one person and support one area of their life consistently for twelve months. Consistency beats intensity.

Here is the truth most people never hear and very few ever teach: giving does not make you poorer. It makes you less afraid, and fear is the most expensive habit a person can have. Giving forces you to acknowledge the abundance you do have, regardless of whether or not you see it or feel it at the moment. Giving is like push-ups for your wealth muscle. Truly wealthy people were givers long before they acquired financial wealth.

If you want to build wealth, stop asking how to protect what you have and start training yourself to operate like someone who has more than enough. That one little shift changes how you think, how you make decisions, how you lead, what you believe and, eventually, how you live.